I’m going to tell you a story about myself. This story is a sad one, but it is something that has made me into a better person and a more caring individual.
The year was 2015. I was a freshman in community college, I was in a bad relationship (although I didn’t see it that way at that time), and I wasn’t the best person to the people I loved. I’ll admit, I was selfish and childish. My boyfriend at the time had created a different world in my head and he was at the center of it. I had a terrible relationship with my father which lead to not speaking to him for 3 years and rocky relationship with my mother. The cherry on top though, was that my grandmother was suffering from breast cancer. She had been diagnosed a few months before and we had been doing everything that we could to help her fight it. She was an absolute warrior. She had always been such a strong person and demolished every obstacle she had ever been through. She was, however, just as hot headed as the rest of my family is. I was so stuck in a world where nothing mattered more than myself, that I forgot to realize what was happening to her was the worst thing that she has been through. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t absent in her recovery process. We had some tension between us because we used to fight about minor things, but we had made amends once she told us about the cancer.
Christmas of 2014 rolled around and she had just finished some treatment and was feeling like a new person. She was the happiest I had ever seen her and she was radiating positivity that spread through the room like the scent of your favorite candle. She strolled around my house touching everyone’s hearts and souls and filling them with joy and laughter. She reminded everyone that she was going to beat this and she refuses to let it overcome her life. It is one of my favorite memories of her. After Christmas, it started to go downhill for her. She was hospitalized and received the best care from all of her doctors. After New Year’s Day, she moved into our house so we could care for her and she could be surrounded by family. She was happy, but she was tired. On January 14th, I had just come home from a long shift at my job and it was about 9:30pm. I walked into the house and everyone was asleep except for her. She was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to return home. We were both big night owls and did most of our talking at night. We sat at the table and talked about my day at work and I made her some oatmeal because she hadn’t eaten much that day. After some good conversation and a few laughs, we decided it was time for bed. She said, “Good night Miranda. I love you” and I responded, “Goodnight grandma. I love you too!”. We headed to bed just like normal and we woke up in the morning just like normal. We both slept pretty late that day, January 15th. I had another shift that day in the late afternoon so we went about our daily routines. At around 2pm she stood up and decided she was tired and wanted to take a nap. A few hours later I was leaving for work and I was debating if I wanted to wake her up to say goodbye. I decided not to.
It was a normal day at work. I worked the front desk at a bridal store and it was a slow day. I will remember every single detail of this day, however, because it felt like a dream. Nothing felt real. I didn’t want anything about that day to be real. I was standing at the front desk like I always did and I had just happened to look up at the front doors. The second I looked up from my work I see a man walk up to the doors and walk in. I thought, “he looks so familiar”. The second my stepfather opened the second set of doors and his eyes met mine, the whole world just fell from under me. I could feel the concern in his eyes so I ran around the front desk and meet him by the door. I wanted every second it took to walk to him to be longer than it was. I wanted everything to be okay. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare that I didn’t know I was in yet. Once I met him by the doors, I asked him, “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”. He looked at me with such sorrow in his eyes and simply said, “Why don’t you grab your stuff and I’ll take you home”. My heart stopped. I didn’t know if I should rush to find out what was going on, or if I should live in innocence for a few more moments. I grabbed my things, let my boss know I needed to leave and proceeded to walk outside where we met his new wife in the parking lot. I hated this. I hated not knowing what was happening but at the same time I didn’t want to know. I finally built up the courage to ask what was happening. my stepfather wrapped his arm around me and muttered the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.
“Your grandmother passed away tonight. I am so sorry.”
I can’t really put into words how I felt in the moment. I don’t think there are many words to exactly describe what had just happened. I had never felt this way before about anything that has happened to me in my life. It was like someone was playing a sick joke on me and I was going to go home and she would be fine. I felt like someone had reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and ripped it shreds. I felt like someone had taken my world and set it on fire. I also felt empty. I felt like someone had taken an actual piece of my body and took it away from me.
I was broken in a matter of seconds.
As my father drove me home, there were so many things going through my head. There was, however, one feeling that overcame everything else. Guilt. How could I have been so terrible to her for the last few years? How could I have let our relationship slip away because of silly little fights? How could she still love someone who had treated her like I did? Why was I like this? There were so many questions I asked myself that I didn’t have the answer to. Even now when I think about it I don’t know how to answer them.
The scene at home was unreal. I walked in the front door and was automatically greeted with a sea of grief that was radiating from my entire family. My small house was filled with every single family member that lived within two hours from us. There was one person, however, that I was only interested in finding; my mother. I saw her, sitting at our kitchen table with other family members around her and I knew that I had to run to her so she could make it all better. I bypassed everyone who was in my way as if they were not even there. I ran into my mother’s embrace and for a brief moment, I felt safe. It didn’t matter what was going on in our lives or if we were fighting over something that week, she was there and I knew everything was going to be okay. I also knew that I had to be just as strong for her, as she was for everyone else. I couldn’t put into words the feeling I had, but I felt that I needed to step up and be a caretaker for whoever needed it most.
The next week was filled with family gatherings and funeral talk. My entire family stayed with us for the entire week so nobody was ever alone. We built a strong support system because we knew that we couldn’t deal with any of this on our own. Throughout the week I learned so much. I had opened my eyes and realized that I needed to change my ways. I hated that it took my grandmother passing for me to finally realize that it was time to grow up, but that’s just how it happened. I guess the reason I decided to tell this story is because I have done a lot of growing up in the past couple of years and it took a lot for me to get to where I am today. I am not by any means completely there yet, but I’ve come pretty far. If I could leave any inspired thoughts with you after reading this story it would be this; never take for granted what you have. Spread love and happiness as much as you can and never forget that you could lose someone in the blink of an eye. It is not easy to grow and evolve into adulthood, but with a strong support system and a bit of hard work and dedication, you can get there.
Magnolia skies 